Khaofang Can't Love

Khaofang stared steadily at that green star stuck to the ceiling of her room, forced her mind to go blank, just trying to force all her attention on that small bright green star. She spent the whole night waking up from nightmares that boiled down to a single unusual situation: she was always alone on a boat in the middle of the open sea, with nothing as far as the eye could see, with a distant reddish horizon.

What that meant was impossible to say, but it caused a certain chill to run up the back of her neck, so by the time the alarm clock rang at half past five in the morning, she was fully awake, even if she was still lying down. Khaofang got up and went towards the bathroom of her room, took a shower and paid attention to the reflection of the giant mirror she had in the bathroom, watching the long brown locks of her hair.

She had always dreamed of having short hair, above her shoulders, but she was constantly crucified by her family, who wouldn't allow her to have such short hair. The most she did was go to the hairdresser once every three times to remove the dry ends; all she could do to her liking was cut a short fringe that she loved, just above her eyebrows. Her parents had cleared her to cut her fringes, but they were always complaining about her odd taste.

Khaofang dried her hair, put on her school uniform and walked out towards the kitchen, where her father was already sitting at the table, reading the newspaper, her mother was finishing setting the coffee table and her sisters were finishing getting ready. It was a typical country family: father Jorge owned a greengrocer's nearby, mother Ainan was a housewife, eldest daughter Kanya worked in a furniture shop downtown, and youngest daughter Khaofang was in her last year of high school.

The family history was not very surprising: Jorge Timberg used to work for a Thai company when he met Ainan; when the company announced bankruptcy, Jorge decided to return to the city of Caruana, in the south of the country, to take over the old greengrocer's shop of his grandparents and that was where the family's livelihood came from.

— You're up early, Fangfang. Usually, you get up later.

— I woke up before my alarm clock.

— That's good, it would be great if you woke up earlier to help your mother in the kitchen, — said Jorge, not taking his attention off the newspaper he was so fond of reading.

— No sir, she needs to sleep well to study well, especially since she will take the university entrance exam at the end of the year.

— And may she pass, study hard, take advantage that she has plenty of time.

— I know, dad, you don't have to say anything.

Khaofang was a little afraid of saying anything that sounded rude around her father, because he was very strict. Who knows how he allowed her to date Nathan, even though they were not constant churchgoers in the town? Maybe the charisma of the Grayson family was so gigantic that they could get her permission for something she wanted to do with just a quick conversation.

Except get a haircut.

— Mum, thanks for breakfast. I'll take a sandwich and eat on the way, okay? — declared Fangfang, when receiving a message from her boyfriend.

The girl, regardless of the slaps in the face of the life she led because she had a hard and authoritarian father, was affectionate and happy: she gave a kiss and a long hug to her mother and father, and headed towards the exit. Khaofang was a dreamy girl: she imagined being able to leave Jacksdale, to experience college and to finally get a haircut… but her father had always cut her legs, so she always thought she would never be able to fulfil any of her dreams.

And then Nathan Grayson arrived.

Khaofang didn't like the idea of being rescued by anyone, man or woman, but Nathan was able to rip off some of the chains her father had put on her so tightly, like being able to go to college. Initially, her father wanted her to just get an ordinary job in the city, because the idea of leaving a daughter alone in the big city was too much for him, practically unthinkable. But it only took one dinner with the Graysons for him to change his mind completely and support his daughter's studies to get her into a good college.

Nathan managed to free some of the chains that had bound Khaofang for several years in a matter of months, so she was very grateful for that, because it was just one step towards her true freedom.

He was a city boy, seventeen year old, from a wealthy family and had moved in with his parents a little over two years ago; he was a tall boy with pale skin, black hair and calm, unassuming eyes. He was a quiet, soft-spoken boy, quirks that won Khaofang's heart in a way she didn't know could be won: Nathan was unique.

Nathan arrived in Jacksdale with his family just before Christmas two years ago, although Khaofang and he hadn't met on the first day of school; passion came quickly: Khaofang used to stay after school in the library because she liked to read; Nathan and Fangfang were from different classes, but because of the girl's habit of staying in the library, they ended up meeting someday.

The girls were all in love with Nathan, and because he was simple and believed it would never be enough, Fangfang just watched him from afar, imagining how cool it would be if only they were both friends. It was the church, as incredible as it sounds, that brought them together. They saw each other in the youth group, or during the services; in a few months they established a good friendship, until Nathan confessed to her. Their parents already knew each other from Sunday meetings, so they ended up becoming close. The Graysons eventually invited the Timbergs to a dinner party at their son's request: this was enough for the boy to ask for Khaofang's hand in marriage.

Jorge Timberg agreed almost immediately: Fangfang accepted immediately, because he also liked Nathan a lot, and knowing that their families accepted that relationship was almost a total relief and a push for that relationship to become official.

Their affair was going well, almost nine months of reciprocity and affection, and also of friendship between the two families, who were already treating the relationship as an almost engagement. Nathan was like a true gentleman: he was kind, affectionate, always carried things so that Khaofang would not make an effort, prepared small surprises for her... Fangfang couldn't have asked for anything better than that, so she was pleased with the whole situation.

There were only four buses in Jacksdale: three with routes within the city and one intercity, which went to South Pearly, forty minutes away from Jacksdale. Of those three, Khaofang had only one option to catch and got off at the Magnolia College on the other side of town.

She greeted Mr. Otis, pass the card and made her way to the bench near the door on the window side; she put on her headset, hit play on the random, and opened the novel she was reading on the marked page; she was entertained by the music mixed with the paragraphs in front of her, glancing sometimes out the window.

It was at the third stop that a boy came in, greeted the driver and the conductor, passed the turnstile and stood near the central door. The boy opened a book right there, leaning close to the window; for a few seconds, Khaofang stood watching the messy-haired boy and the boy's clothes, which were as plain as his hair: he wore a white button-down shirt that could easily be the shirt of the college, outside the trousers, which was how students usually wore it for the most part; he wore a dark jacket, which prevented her from seeing whether the logo on the chest was existing or not. Was he really a student? It could be a student from the school in the nearby town, but that bus wasn't going there.

— Are you going to South Pearly? — She asked the boy, closing the book she was reading.

— What?

— South... Pearly? The interurban is the only one that leaves town, but it runs early. It only goes within the city.

— I can read, — he answered almost immediately; his voice sounded thick and low, coarse and threatening. — I know exactly where this bus goes, if it didn't pass my destination, I wouldn't be on it, don't you think?

Disbelieving, Khaofang shrank back in his seat. The boy was right, of course, although he sounded very rude... She wasn't annoying, was she? Regardless of the answer, she immediately rushed to reply?

— I'm sorry... I've never seen you on this bus before, so I thought you were new and...

The boy in question didn't wait for her to finish her sentence: he climbed out of the window and walked to the back of the vehicle, sitting on the last row of chairs near the window. Fangfang followed the boy with her eyes and kept staring at him, a little indignant at having been cut off so abruptly. He leaned against the window and turned his attention back to the book he was reading before, unlike Fangfang who kept the book still closed, trying to focus only on her book and not seem upset at being treated so rudely by a stranger.

As soon as the bus stop came, she already had a notion that the boy would come down together; she tried to resist but couldn't in looking at him again, but he already seemed to have forgotten the quick exchange of words between them, because he just kept staring at the students outside, without moving. Wasn't he studying there?

Fangfang got out of the bus without looking back and went on his way, walking among the students and looking for his friends who were already heading for the classroom. Nathan should already be in his class, so she stopped in class 1 on her way to class 2. He was indeed a good guy, polite, kind. And in love with her.

— Nathan — she called out to him, who looked up immediately and smiled broadly. The ginger girl got up and ran to her, holding her hands.

His friends, as usual, made jokes about the fact that he always seemed so passionate and radiant when he looked at her.

— You are so lucky, Fangfang! — Regina, Nathan's classmate, smiled at them, almost in love, because her eyes were sparkling. — Nathan is perfect in everything, unlike the assholes he hangs around with, you stinkers!

Nathan smiled back as he watched Regina shout directly at the boys playing in the back of the room, but soon he was paying attention to his girlfriend again:

— Everything okay on the way? — Fangfang nodded positively, preferring to ignore the unwelcome encounter with that rude student.

— What about your friend?

— He arrived at the weekend, but he won't be staying with us, he will live in a kitnet by himself, my parents said he doesn't want to bother us and that he prefers to spend some time alone.

— Alone?

— Yeah. I understand him.

— You're very kind. I'm sure you'll settle down soon.

That's how their relationship was: calm, light, no strings attached. When one needed support, the other was always there, neither spoke louder than the other. They never fought, they were always having fun with each other and sometimes people even got sick of their honeyed presence.

He sure is a far cry from the rude boy on the bus.

A snap made Khaofang's smile suddenly disappear.

— What? You have suddenly become serious.

— Ah... Nothing — deflected the girl. — I remembered that Julia asked me to copy my Sociology assignment, she didn't do it again. I'll go soon, ok? See you at the cafeteria.

Another good thing between them was the fact that they were romantic, but not naughty: they didn't kiss in public, to tell the truth, they hardly touched each other. Even kisses were sent with some distance, as had been the case there: she sent him a little kiss added to a wink and made her way to his office, but only the following thought came to her mind as she looked ahead:

What was it with me comparing Nathan to that strange boy?

It was the first time this had happened since they had started dating the year before, the first time she had thought of another boy when she was in the presence of her boyfriend.  

— Fangfang! — Alicia shouted when the ginger girl came into the room, holding the handles of the blue bag slung over her shoulders. — Quick, come here!

The girls of the room were all gathered at the windows of the room, whispering and letting out sighs, Fangfang put the bag on her usual chair and went to Alicia, who was calling her excitedly, barely getting a spot on the window to find out what the other girls were looking at.

— What is it? Is someone fighting?

— Better than that! It's a new student!

Fangfang shuddered and looked out into the courtyard, batting her eye just as the boy looked up.

The rude boy from the bus.

— Looks like you missed the bus stop! — Fangfang could hardly believe the sentence that had escaped her mouth, even more so for everyone there to hear, since she was shouting from the second floor.

— Worried? — The boy smiled with his hands in his pockets, standing there in the middle of everyone; he looked different from minutes ago, when he looked frownier. The girls looked over and watched Fangfang talking to him with some intimacy, not understanding how they knew each other. — I'm smarter than I look!

— Too bad for me, it would be better not to see you in the corridors!

So Fangfang turned away from the window and went towards his chair, where the girls rushed towards him, throwing out innumerable questions about what had happened there.

— Do you two know each other?

— What is his name?

— Where is he from?

— Does he have a girlfriend?

— I don't know! — Cried the girl, taking a deep breath. For God's sake, why had she provoked him? — I saw him on the bus. I thought he was new and had taken the wrong bus, but when I spoke to him, he was super rude to me, that's all. He's just a cocky, ignorant guy!

The girls seemed annoyed by the little information she gave, that they wanted to know more, so they just walked away, complaining about Fangfang's false hopes.

— It's okay, Fangfang! You can tell me, no need to hide it! — said Alicia, pulling out a chair.

— I don't know, — snorted Khaofang, leaning his head on his hands. — I don't even know why I said it, I was frustrated because of earlier. I met him on the bus, and realized that I had never seen him before. So, I asked him if he was going to South Pearly, but he was rude to me and even left me talking to myself when I tried to apologize for misunderstanding, so...

— Breathe, Khaofang! Why are you so nervous? — Alicia cut in, stepping closer to her best friend. — I thought you knew him, since you talked to him like that.

— I just wanted to do something about the bus situation.

— Well, if he's so rude, he shouldn't come to our class. That way I keep only his beauty alive in my mind, — Alicia smiled mischievously.

The bell rang, making everyone sit in their seats until the chemistry teacher came in seconds later, already removing his bag and putting it on the table, looking for the eraser and giving the students an order:

— Everyone with the activity ready on the table, I want to see if everyone really did it. Let's correct together, okay?

— I didn't do the third and fourth, did you? — Whined Fangfang to Alicia, who sat at his right side.

— Yes, did you find it hard? I did it easy... Do you want to copy it?

— No, that's fine. I'll try to read it again and see if I can do it while he goes by.

Khaofang turned her eyes to the book, she was not very good at chemistry, although it is a basic subject for those who want to study nursing in college, but she hated Chemical Chains and did not understand how anyone understood about that subject.

— Excuse me... — said a voice in the class.

— Are you Noah?

— Yeah, uh...

— Valmont? Ve... rmon?

— Vernon — Khaofang took notice of the boy's voice, slurred, lazy, deep. Irritating. He didn't even want to risk looking ahead.

— Khaofang, look! — Alicia tapped his shoulder frantically and excitedly. — It's that boy, Fangfang!

— Guys, this is our new student, Noah Vernon. Anything you want to say?

Noah walked to the front of the room watching the students there, as if looking for someone. Who did he know in that tiny town? Fangfang didn't want to risk looking ahead and meeting his eyes again, as he had minutes before. But Noah Peterson found the nosy girl from before, flashing a gigantic smile.

— I'm ok — he said finally.

— It's okay, you can sit anywhere. We're going to correct an exercise, if you don't have a book, you can join someone, if you know or have any questions, just raise your hand. You can copy the answers when they are corrected on the board. Welcome to Magnolia.

— Thank you — he continued to observe the girl who seemed to make a gigantic effort. The only vacant chair was one at the back of the room, four rows away from where Fangfang sat, yet he made a point of going through her row, and stopping right next to her; he bent down and whispered: — If I told you my final destination from the first time, would you be less worried? Since we would meet anyway?

Without waiting for an answer, he continued walking around the back of the room and taking a seat in the empty chair available at the end of the first row; that year it would be hard, by God, for there not to be any more surprises. 

When the break bell rang, Fangfang stood up and quickly, but before she could even walk, Noah appeared in front of her, stopping her from walking.

— Just give me a second.

— No, I need to get out.

— It's quick play — he smiled, almost pleading.

Khaofang thought for a moment. It wouldn't kill to hear it.

— In particular, cute.

— It's Alicia — replied the girl. — But I forgive you just because you're cute. But just a second, Fangfang.

Alicia cast a suspicious glance at the boy, who kept smiling back at the girl, but Alicia was continuing to stare simply because Noah was handsome.

— So? — Fangfang asked, arms crossed.

— Calm down, stressed lady — Noah sat down on the chair in front of him. — I just wanted to apologize for the bus. I'm new here and you clearly just wanted to help me.

Fangfang uncrossed her arms a little, almost not believing the words of the newbie boy, who now seemed much more approachable than earlier; watching him like that, he even seemed friendlier; he propped his chin on the palm of his hand waiting for her to sit down as well. Now that he was not being rude, he even seemed handsome. His skin was different from Nathan's, it looked more tanned, a bright yellow like the sun. How could someone who lived in the South have such radiant skin? He looked like a surfer.

— That's all right, I shouldn't have intruded — she said, while she sat down in her chair. — You looked like you knew what you were doing.

He smiled in reply.

— I had to ask twice which of the three buses was coming here, you know. I'm kind of forgetful. — The conversation was much lighter than before, than the quick exchange of words on the bus, than the pinprick in the courtyard. He really could be gentle. — I think we can get off on the right foot, new town, new school, senior year, I need to make friends, don't I?

— Yes, it is... — Khaofang replied, shaking her head, much more excited than before, because she loved making friends. — In that case, welcome to Jacksdale.

— What is your name, Jacksdale girl?

— Khaofang, capital boy — she smiled, but his already beaming smile began to lose strength on his face and his expression began to change. — You can call me Fangfang if you like. Everyone calls me that.

— You... Are you Khao... fang?

— Am I...? Because you're...

— Noah!

The pale boy from class 1 appeared at the door of class 2, smiling like nobody's business. He didn't know that his best friend had finally left the house after almost a week in his room; he was going to meet his girlfriend when he saw him sitting there. He was relieved to see him finally interacting.

— Nathan — A relieved smile appeared on his face and so he stood up and went towards his friend, hugging him.

Noah's unexpected attitude calmed an internal conflict that had been going on in his best friend's head for more than a year. They held the embrace for longer than expected, but something in Khaofang had locked up. She was happy, wasn't she? After all, she had finally met that Noah guy her boyfriend had talked about earlier, and the initial conflict between them had been resolved moments before, so now everything was okay, right?

Right?

— So, you have met Fangfang — Nathan remarked, pulling his friend close to her again, who then got up.

— So, she's your girlfriend? That you talked about before?

— And you're that Noah guy he told me about — how could she not have connected the name to the person before? How could she be so stupid, for God's sake, Khaofang!

— I'm glad you two have already met — Nathan let out, smiling comfortably.

— Of course, I was just talking to Kha...?

— Khaofang — the girl added.

— ...ofang, I did not know that you could date someone with such a limited brain, did you know that she does not understand chemistry?

What?

— She is terrible at chemistry... — Fangfang looked at her boyfriend, who soon smiled in reply and added: — But there is no girl more perfect than her.

What was that?

Khaofang could not understand what had happened there, because he swore that both of them were finally understanding each other... Or did that conversation only exist in his head? How could he have gone to apologize to her, smile and make her feel more relieved to suddenly throw an insult?

What's wrong with this guy?

— What does Nathan's friend look like? — Khaofang's mother asked after dinner, while the girl was reading a book on the armchair in the living room

— What does Nathan's friend look like? — Khaofang's mother asked after dinner, while the girl was reading a book on the armchair in the living room. — Is he nice?

— He's like an ogre. Rough, annoying, — Khaofang let out, taking her mother by surprise.

— Khaofang! If your father hears you talking like that, girl!

— Oh, mum, he's taking a bath, right. He won't hear people talking here... — grumbled Khaofang.

— But is this boy really so bad?

Khaofang stopped, looked at the fire burning in the fireplace in front of him and remembered the strange day he had lived. It had been the first time she had been treated rudely by a person, the first time she had shouted through a second—floor window to try to fight back at a person, and the first time she had actually argued with someone. Her feelings that day were like a rollercoaster.

— No, — she shook her head. — He's not that bad. — I think he is still absorbing the new situation he is living in, that's all.

Nathan had not explained the situation fully to Fangfang, but just from knowing about the accident, the girl and anyone else who knew the basics, would know that his situation is extremely complicated, even though she did not know exactly what had happened to make her change with him so suddenly, there was something in her that said that even his bully side did not make him a bad person.

— Be his friend.

— I don't want to! — let out the girl. — Even if he is not a bad person, he is still too showy!

— Fangfang, didn't Nathan ask for your help? — The girl nodded. — Then help him.

— Let me cut my hair and I'll do what you want — Fangfang whispered to her mother who immediately grimaced when she heard the girl's condition.

— I told you that you won't cut this hair, Khaofang — George Timberg's thick and authoritarian voice entered the room, making the atmosphere heavy; it was always like this when his father appeared. — I told you to get that idea out of your head, my daughter doesn't wear her hair short.

— Yes, Dad. It was just a joke.

— I don't want to hear you talk about it anymore. And what are you doing here? — The man inquired rudely, completely changing the peaceful atmosphere that had settled in before. — Shouldn't you be studying? Go to your room and stop reading these books that are useless, try to read the books you will use in college to get there already knowing something.

— Yes, Dad, — Fangfang answered, rolling his eyes and heading towards his room at the end of the hall. — My God, when will he stop being so hard?

It wasn't that Fangfang disliked her father, far from it, but there were few times when she felt comfortable in his presence, which was always so strong and authoritarian, especially inside the house, where she was supposed to feel welcome and relaxed.

Although she obeyed her father and headed for her room, the girl just threw herself on the bed and looked at the ceiling, wondering if she should just sleep at once, but she heard the phone vibrate on the bedside table, it was her older sister. Finally, something to soothe that night.

— P'Lawan...

— Fangfang! Did you miss me, nong? — Fangfang frowned and threw himself back on the bed.

— Of course, I did, there are days when you don't call me. How are things over there? Are you doing well?

— I am doing super well, my dear sister. I got a new job near the University — Lawan was talking with such excitement to his younger sister. — When you manage to visit me, I will take you for a nice dinner on my salary.

— It's not like dad is going to let me go, P'. You know how he is, he always...

— He's got the final word, yeah, I know, nong. But you'll see, someday we'll be here together, enjoying the capital and the nightlife like two normal sisters!

Lawan was only three years older than Khaofang, but she was the so-called black sheep of the family: she left the church in the first year of high school, went to parties, drank, dyed her hair green in her last year and took the university entrance exam without her father knowing; she ran away from home and went to study gastronomy in London, with the whole course paid for by a scholarship. Lawan had courage to spare, while Fangfang was still careful about the tone she used around her father, hoping he would not misunderstand anything.

Lawan was the best sister in the world, and always sent money to Fangfang, so that she would never have to ask her father, besides always sending her and her mother gifts, much to her father's dismay.

— So, what about the new guy you told me about in your messages? Is he handsome?

— P'Lawan, he's such an idiot, you have no idea!

The next day, Fangfang arrived at school with a limp because of a nightmare she had had in the early hours of the morning. She quickly found Alicia and told her about the nightmare:

— It was terrible, Lili. He went all over the house after me with handcuffs, he wanted to lock me in bed and never let me out again. Then I tripped over my own hair, my God, I need a haircut more than ever.

— Your dad is crazy; did he say anything to you yesterday?

— He overheard me talking to mum and I talked to her again about cutting my hair. He fought with me again, — Fangfang said tearfully.

— It's just hair, I don't understand why he won't let you cut it, it grows back.

— Cut what? — Noah approached, sitting down next to Fangfang, who looked strange, but he still offered the bergamot he was eating to the girls, who refused.

— Fangfang wants to cut her hair — she used her hands to show where her friend wanted the cut — on her shoulders.

— And why won't you cut it?

— My father doesn't let me cut it.

Noah smiled through his nose, turning his face and finally letting out a laugh.

— What are you laughing at? — Khaofang asked, brushing a strand of hair out of the front of his face.

— Your father asks permission when he wants a haircut? — Khaofang was silent for a moment.

— I don't understand.

— It is your hair. You are almost 18, you can't let your father control your hair, it makes it so much easier for him to control your life.

— It's not as easy as it sounds.

— Yes, it is. Just take a pair of scissors and cut it. He won't do anything when he sees you with short hair.

— Just kill me.

— Khaofang — he put his hand on his shoulder. — He won't do anything to you.

— Of course he will, I'll listen to him for the rest of my life and he'll never let me go to Dublin like this.

— The more you let him control you, the more trapped you'll be. I bet when the vestibular comes around, he'll manage to stop you from going. Here, I have a pair of scissors, we can cut it off now if you want, it's very simple and easy...

Khaofang started to get angry, hitting Noah on the arm and making him take his hand off her shoulder.

— Easy? Simple? — She snorted. — You don't know anything about my life, understand? I have parents who care about me and my future; they know what's best for me, maybe you don't understand, don't you live alone in a kitnet?

Noah didn't stay there another second, he got up and disappeared into the sea of students that was forming at the schoolentrance, leaving a completely sorry Khaofang behind.